Watch Out, The Croissants are Coming!

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Hello and welcome to another installment of a fanfic by me, RVincent. This one is just something that I wrote in my scratch folder a long time ago and it's made me laugh a few times and well, my Ranma 1/2 fanfiction to Slayers fanfiction ratio is getting bad and I wanted to put something up to compensate. This really doesn't make no sense and is not meant to be taken seriously. Copyrights remain with their respective copyright holders.  Just funny stuff here suitable for most ages. I make no claim to own these characters and such and I respectfully ask that you think twice about suing me, I mean no malicious destruction of character traits and I am making no money off this, as I often say, "If you sued me I would show up in rags and cry..." Actually I would cry a lot so on with the fanfiction!

Groups of words within *astrics* are considered the thoughts of Ranma, behold their glory!

            "World Over-Run with Flying Croissants" The headline troubled Ranma more then he would admit. "Boy, it is your duty as a martial artist to stop these scrupulous pastries!" Genma said with flair, thrusting his fist up in the air for effect. Ranma just sweat dropped "Today is going to be a long day..."

///////////Begin Ranma Opening (OAV Style "Original Japanese")\\\\\\\\\\\\\
////////// (But hey, we can't hear the music so all we can do is read the subtitles...\\\\\\\\\\

All dressed up to go out on a Sunday
Sky is blue, sun is bright, it's a date day
Not gonna say it, can't make me say it
No way gonna let you have your way.

Even though I don't want you to hate me
When you say "It's okay" and look at me
The love don't phase me it's the word that's crazy
It's something that I gotta work on.

You know here's how it goes, you and me we'd meet on the street
and then
I'd say "Outta my way!" I don't know how you can confuse me so
But hey, maybe today with the waves so blue I can be true with you
Who knows? Maybe I'll say the word love...

Gonna kiss you now, hold you now, this is love we've found
Even if it's just in my dreams
Come on hold me now, real tight now, let me show you how
Fine I say, have your way, I love you

Come on kiss me now, no words now, it's just us for now
Even I don't know why I love you
Gonna hold you now, all right now, it don't matter how
Don't you see it's just me, I need you

Come on hold me now, real tight now, let me show you how
Fine I say, have your way, I love you


            Screen fades from the exceedingly bright and vibrant opening to a shot of Kuno with a large dead green fish on his head that looks like a magic carp, he looks quite smug. "..finally it dawned on me, the Pig-tailed girl only strikes me into sky with the intention of me landing in the water due to her undying love for the sea, and what better representation of the sea then a fish!" The fish yawned out a bubble that floated chaotically into the sky then resumed being dead-like. Ranma scoffed at the thought and moved away from Kuno who was talking to Susuke dressed like Akane, meanwhile more pastries flew by blocking out the sun, one of which took a moment to defecate on Ranma, the white missile struck square in his eye which caused him to stumble around blindly cursing his luck. He looked back up in time to glimpse Ryoga riding one like a surf board before he and the flock disappeared behind some trees.

            The bell chimed and Ranma decided that it might be wise to go to school so he walked toward the door noticing a flyer for "The Furinkin High Film Guild" which proudly presented "Amateur footage from Ranma's Greatest Fights Night!" A few blinks later and Ranma was in class, his normal seat was taken by Iron Chief Japan, Masaharu Morimoto and the seat next to it was on fire so Ranma jumped over the first several rows and took a back seat. Scanning the room he noticed that Akane wasn't in class and in her usual seat there was a life size blow up doll with her likeness, funny thing was no one noticed it wasn't real, well, except for Ranma. The sky suddenly took on an overcast look and the room darkened, outside it was snowing and if one were to look to the horizon they would see a bandana clad boy who appeared no bigger then a grape battling the ancient demon Narlathep while riding a flying bagel, but no one ever looks to the horizon but Ranma and no one ever looks up to see the fluorescent lights filling with blood but Ranma, and no one would ever notice that Nabiki was sleeping in the corner in a drunken stupor except ..... Ranma....

            The morning passed over like a silken waffle eating fudgy fluorescent freetoes. And Ranma was starting to notice other things amiss..... Shampoo was dressed and acting like Ukyou and Ukyou was dressed like a cat, ears, tail, and all, it was for the best that Ranma decided to stay away from both of them. For lunch it was the usual, or was that unusual, Ranma didn't really care to notice, chipped beef and mother boards in cocktail thousand chef sauce. "The secret ingredient is swater" so Ranma asked "What's swater?" to which the lunch mammal replied "Sweaty Water, all the flavor of athletes but none of the bloodshed!" The croissant where dive bombing the window again, leaving little white marks where they hit as their only remains.

            Suddenly it dawned on Ranma "Something is odd about today..." it was a bit unsteady but just saying those words made him feel a bit normal. Granted, abnormal things should be the norm for Ranma but this was somehow different.... Ranma walked up to Hinako "Teach, do things seem a little off to you today?" Hinako turned toward him and smiled with that cute little girl smile she does "I'm not Hinako, that is!" she pointed to Gosunkougi who was slothing around in the corner, stink lines visibly shooting out of his nose making little lightning arks with all the style of Acme birdies after an anvil crash. "No teach, don't mess with me like this, you're Hinako." She started to get upset "I'm not Hinako, I'm Gosunkougi!" she glared at him to drive her point home a bit. "Why are you trying to do this to me, I just wanted to ask you something!" "If it's about curses I can help you, otherwise go screw yourself Saotome." Okay, Ranma was starting to get angry "Damn it, you're my teacher, just tell me, is today messed up or what?!" 

            Hinako looked sad for a moment "But today is when me and Gosunkougi switch places, I'm Gosunkougi today you can't have sex with me cause I'm a guy, go home, you've ruined my fun!! Wahhh!" Hinako ran off crying, just then Ranma felt himself get hit in the back of the head, he quickly reached around and pulled his hand back with.... a Croissant! He felt himself move a couple pounds, his chest bulged out, and the world got a bit smaller in the space of a few seconds. "What the hell" Enter the Jusenkyo guide, he jumps out of a pot of stew from behind the lunch counter and runs straight to Ranma "Is very tragic story of young girl who drown in spring .." Ranma Cut him off "I know that part already" The Jusenkyo guide looked down and brushed some noodles off his sopping wet shirt "And whenever you splashed by cold water you turn into girl, whenever you splashed by hot water you turn into guy, and whenever you hit by flying croissant you change to your other form!" Ranma was livid "Since when do I change forms from being hit by a flying Croissant!" Jusenkyo guide abruptly gets hit with one of the Croissant that just flew though the new hole in the window and changes into a miniature version of Godzilla and promptly smashes though the wall most likely with the intention of ravaging Tokyo.

            The rest of the day went off with out any interruptions until school was just about over, Ranma just laid on his desk trying to sleep. Akane came back but he was pretty sure she was really a he now, you could just see it. Tomboy could no longer explain her lack of curves or her facial hair. He watched people craw around in the heat vents and the weather changed from snow to hail to rain within a couple minutes. The croissant had stopped flying around and were now walking like miniature dinosaurs, outside in the courtyard Ryoga was holding his own against them, fending them off with lightning strikes from his Umbrella and summoning demons to take care of everything else. It was then that Ranma saw Ryoga get hit by one of the Croissant that snuck up behind him, it was over. Ryoga was going to turn in.... "What the hell why didn't he turn into a pig" Ranma jumped up from his desk and pointed at the newly recovered Ryoga who was once again back in the fray. "I turn into a girl he should turn into a pig!" Realizing that he had made a scene and everyone was now looking Ranma decided to sit back down. But when he reached down to adjust his pants he made two important discoveries.

1) He was still female (could've sworn he fixed that after lunch)
2) His pants, being bigger for his male side had fallen down due to the female state and she was therefore in front of the class in her boxers.....

            An errant croissant chose that moment to fly across the room and peg Ranma in the head transforming him to male.... male with a hard on. Which was, to Ranma's dismay clearly visible to everyone in the room. He quickly sat back down and blocked out everyone's reaction to what just happened, trying to restore as much of his dignity as possible. Holding his hands around his eyes like blinders on a horse he starred at the clock, it was still, time was....stopped? Or the clocks where malfunctioning then the hour hand moved on its own accord. Without either of the other hands moving it jumped from being 2:30 to 3:30 in the space of a second and everyone filed out without incident, the desk turned blue, red then back to blue. "Please step off the ride now" Ranma looked at the desk perplexed and left the room. The teacher was tearing chunks of meat out of his own arm with his teeth.

            The streets were filled with mini pastries crawling around like crabs in the storm drains. The snow, rain and everything else to come from today's weather was gone, except the pastries. Akane walked next to him in her powersuit, she had just procured it from Nabiki in exchange for eight yen and a quick kiss on the cheek, which cheek it was she had not disclosed.... But before Ranma knew it Akane had left his side, calling on her all natural herbal supplement to turn mild mannered Akane-Chan into Akane-Kun the all mighty defender of Teflon! "Shouldn't I be the hero?" too bad Ranma was only talking to himself because just knowing someone else had listened would have made his day.

            There was now an energy barrier around the Tendo house, the Croissant were now running a protection racket and were charging people admission to their own houses, it only took one cookie but Ranma felt gypped, he wanted that cookie, Akane had made it..... **at least I think I want it...** The house was spotless, but Genma kept crapping rainbow's in everyone's brains so Ranma was on high alert, he didn't want a rainbow crapped in his brain. Shrunken heads were on the menu again but he didn't feel like eating although when the vampires came out later he would wish he ate garlic. The day was long enough, the time was ripe for sleep. Ranma ascended the steps to the bathing room and ultimately the Furo.

            The water-heater was the economy model, instead of gas it ran on demonic energy "....each unit is packaged with its very own demon .... just cause yourself pain or suffering and he'll heat your water .... may cause rickets, malaria, Ebola, black death, .... not responsible for loss of business, genitalia, curses, hexes, .....and so on and so on" So Ranma punched himself in the gut a couple times and made an offering of Pizza to the great demon gods and went back to the furo where the water was getting hotter then Hades in winter (That's still pretty hot). Ranma bathed quickly and started dancing like a monkey, then caught himself and got dressed. 

            Fearing that something might happen in the sort distance between the bathing room and his bedroom he snuck out the window and tip-toed across the roof. The sun shone brightly in the sky then dropped into the horizon when Ranma was looking down for a moment, he hardly noticed, a large LCD read out opened up in the sky 8:34 PM, the little dots in the middle where flashing little stars, the alignment of stars would make the news tomorrow... maybe. Dropping down over the edge Ranma flipped into his room. No old man and after a quick check it was determined that there were no croissant either. Ranma locked the door and laid down bundling up in his covers and settling in for a nice long nap. Colors shimmered in the darkness but eventually he began to nod off.

            But just as his eyes closed for the night he jolted awake, it was a dream, it was too weird, everything that happened all day was a dream! And he was going to wake up any second, so he laid there expectantly a smile came to his lips, he wasn't going crazy after all! However...... an hour later...... "What gives! I should have woken up a while ago!" He pulled his arm out from behind his head and pinched it, no feeling, he jumped up and looked out the window to the sky, after staring for a while he thought he could make out the faint outline of 8:34. "Screw it! As long as I don't see any more flying croissant I'm going out to make this a.... a.... hentai dream!" Too bad for Ranma that is exactly when he was hit over the head by Akane waking him up. She marched away from the bedroom with a ladle in her hand, "What kind of person screams to themselves they're going to have a hentai dream?"

The End

Author's Rant:

        My e-mail should be at the top if you want to contact me. My webpage can be found at you can distribute this as long as you keep my name attached to it. I hope you enjoyed this, whatever it is... Yup.... It's kind of quiet in here... and there is quite the echo.... I wish it didn't feel so lonely.... Well, you're probably getting sick of me..... and although I'm so very lonely I guess I'll let you go, have a good one!

Go Back Beeyatch!